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[personal profile] cassy_g
As I mentioned in my previous post, I had an appointment today with a neurologist. As it turns out, I really like this doctor. He was very personable, seemed to be well educated, informed, and thorough in his questions about my symptoms and my past medical issues. And he was very "human", unlike a lot of doctors that come off very sterile and cold, he was easy to talk to and it made what could have been a very upsetting experience a little easier to deal with.

He did alot of tests on my nerves and muscles, things like sticking me with a pin, and testing my reflexes, and how I move, and my vision, etc. Unfortunately, (in his words) there were some abnormalties in my tests that indicate that there is something seriously wrong with my central nervous system. He then sent me to have an MRI. He's being very considerate of the fact that I don't have insurance, and decided to do just that test first in the hopes that some of the other tests he would like (for example a spinal tap, eww!) won't be necessary. His nurse even found the place that would be the least expensive for self pay patients to make the appointment with. He didn't speculate to me what he thinks it might be, which was both frustrating and comforting.

I am frustrated because of the physical pain I am in, and the concentration and memory issues, and fatigue, and all the other symptoms I am having that are making working and life generally hellish at the moment. I really want to know right now what's wrong and get it fixed. I realize, of course, that's a rather child like reaction of simply being impatient and wanting my life to go the way I want it to, but I do still feel that way.

On the other hand, I was really relieved that I didn't have to go through with him what I have on occassions had to deal with from other doctors - ie, I didn't have to fight him to convince him that something is actually wrong here. I guess though as one of my friends pointed out, it is rather obvious, but that hasn't always stopped doctors in the past! I actually had a doctor tell me once that I was stressed out and if I stayed home and was a good home maker, I would feel better - I actually had strep throat at the time and a fever of 102! So, that was all very nice about this doctor. So, the relief of him not being speculative is that he realizes something is wrong, and he wants as much information as possible before making a final decision. He wants to be sure to make sure he treats me appropriately. I, of course, approve of this mentality. I like that he wants to be fully informed, and that he seems to be very concerned with getting to the bottom of it. I suppose that it appeals to the inner detective in me!

So, I went to have the MRI. I actually had two, one with and one without dye of some sort. Apparently, not an iodine based dye like the angiograph I had a couple of weeks ago, which was nice because it didn't make me feel yucky like that did. I don't really know much about MRIs, but it wasn't as horrible as I had imagined it to be. And I actually think I had one many, many years ago when I was a teenager and having recurring migraines.

My next appointment with him, however, isn't until next Thursday (July 5), as he has to have time to get and review the MRI films, and of course, the holiday is getting in the way! As aggravating as waiting until next week is, I am hopeful that the tests will give him the information he needs, and that when I do see him, he will be able to tell me what is wrong and what steps need to be taken to make me better.

In the mean time, I am trying to just deal with each day as it happens since some of them are better than others, and manage whatever symptoms are affecting me most that day. I have really bad days, and bad ones, and the occassional ok day. I am also trying very hard not to take the pain killers that I have prescriptions for because I really do not want them to ever not work, and I really do not want to get addicted to them. And considering my biological family has a history of addiction, I think it is a valid concern on my part.

I am also trying very hard not to beat myself up, as I am prone to doing, when I don't accomplish things the way I use to be able to do. I am trying to accept that whatever I can do is the best I can do, because I do know that even when I miss deadlines, or feel like I am really struggling to complete something, that I am, in fact, doing my very best at that time. All in all, this is a very humbling experience, one in which I am trying very hard to learn to accept that I am actually just human.
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