Well, first things first. As I mentioned in this post, "Facing One of My Most Self Destructive Fears", I had a dental appointment on Friday.
So, the good news is that Dr. Clemans is a very sweet and caring dentist. She was very good about talking to me about everything they were going to be doing, and really going out of her way to make me feel comfortable, and express that no matter how bad my teeth were, the important thing was that I had made a step to go to see her in the first place. And she was good about not making me feel ashamed or guilty or anything negative about my teeth - which in the past has been a huge source of fear. Don't get me wrong, I was still quite scared, and off and on was shaking - but I went to see her, and I didn't take my Xanax (though I did have it with me). She was also good about telling me exactly what she was doing and when and why, not that she had to do a lot with my teeth, but even when documenting them, there was lots of metal and stuff being put in my mouth, which of course would have been nerve wracking if she'd not told me when she was going to be touching me, or putting things in my mouth, etc.
The bad news is, she had to take extra x-rays, which I knew might happen, but the appointment was around $400. Mind you, I don't have any sort of insurance to cover anything, so that was all out of pocket.
The even worse news is, because of genetic issues, combined with not visiting a dentist for over 15 years, it seems like I am most likely going to have to have all of my teeth removed. This is primarily due to genetic issues with my gums, as many of my teeth could be saved - her concern is, that I will still lose them and my gums are so unhealthy, that she feels it may be better to take them all out and let the gums heal properly. Then, they will put screws in my jaw (upper and lower) which will insure that I don't loose bone from not having teeth (this is a good thing), and I will have a temporary set of dentures until my gums fully heal, then I can have a permanent set made which click into those screws, so they will be very secure. And if I should come into money in the future, I can always (because of the screws) have implant teeth put in if I want. I won't know exactly how much this is all going to cost until Monday, April 30, when she will have the full recommendation written up, but the ballpark guess-timate is around $20-25,000. But, it will only take about two months for all of the work to be completed.
I was calm while she told me all of this - but inside my heart was skipping a few beats. When I left the dentist's office, I cried the whole way home.
Besides the whole "where the hells am I suppose to get $20-25,000" freaking out, it was just deeply upsetting to me that she couldn't save my teeth. This is, of course, a vanity reaction. So, the first person I spoke to about it after astralfire, was a friend that I thought was the most likely to have a negative reaction to the possiblity of me being without my own teeth.
Say what you will about the man being vain and shallow, because if he was lying for my benefit on Friday, he certainly was being convincing. The first thing he asked me when he heard my voice was, "what happened, why are you crying? She didn't hurt you, did she?" Things I suppose you would ask someone that was crying after knowing they were terrified of dentists and had just gotten home. I told him, no, I was ok, she was very good to me, and that I was glad I had gone, then I told him what she said about my teeth. He said, well, I can see where that would be overwhelming, but the important thing is that she can make you stop being in pain, right?
I thought, well yes, I suppose that's true, but then I said, but then everyone will know that I lost all of my teeth. He laughed a little, not in a mean way, in the way you sort of chuckle when someone says something so innocent and naive that you can't help it - and he said, people have their teeth replaced all the time, either from disease, or trauma, or injury, or mistreatment - and they are very good at making artificial teeth look real, so why would anyone "know"? And even if they did, so what - you will be healthy again, and you will be able to smile all you want, and eat ice cream without it hurting. Not to mention you can tell everyone you have a million dollar smile and almost be serious about it.
That last part made me smile. Then we talked about all the positive things that would come from the work being done, like being able to not be in constant pain, and how if my gums heal, then my immune system won't be stressed so much and I probably won't get colds so easily, and yea, there's the whole being able to eat ice cream, or drink things with ice without a straw, and the instant million dollar smile with the perfect white teeth designed specifically for my mouth.
So, once we talked for a while, the only really bad thing I could come up with was the price tag, and honestly, for me to not be in pain, or sick, and to smile again, it's worth it. I just don't know how to actually finance it yet. I have faith though that I will find a way, because I didn't get up the balls to go to see her in the first place to be stopped now.
Now, for the rest of the weekend, I spent it at Atlanta Comics Expo, where my new found self respect and ego was well rewarded and stroked. I haven't ever spent a weekend with so many people commenting to me about how fantastic I looked, or hot, or any number of other really just positive and wonderful things. It was a great stroke to my ego, which was boosted ten fold on Saturday because I bought my first corset, which I then wore out and about for a while! Then I had a photographer friend, Dean (who is also part of the Dragon*Con photography staff), take about a million pictures of me in it!
( You can see some examples of his lovely work behind this cut tag! )
Subtitles in this are weird, be happy you have them!
This is the same trailer, mostly as the previous one, but with an additional KICK ASS Sephiroth fight scene, and some cool game battle scenes (and no subtitles):
This is from a rumored accompaning movie to go with the game:
|You are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time. You are generally calm and composed, reacting moderately well to situations that most people would describe as stressful. Novelty, variety, and change spice up your life and make you a curious, imaginative, and creative person. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You set clear goals and pursue them with determination. People regard you as reliable and hard-working.|
Click here to take the most insightful personality test.
The truth of the matter is I am quite embarrassed by my smile and I have been most of my adult life. This has, in the past, be compounded by very condescending dentists, which I am already pretty seriously phobic of in the first place. And I mean, hyperventilating kind of scared of them. I tried in my early 20s to see a dentist, and while I did like my oral surgeon, the dentist was one of the most vile people you could ever have had the displeasure of knowing (and I am not just saying that because he's a dentist), so the little bit of courage I had worked up to see him in the first place quickly was replaced by stark raving terror at the prospect of seeing him again. Or any other dentist for that matter. So, I have lived in varying amounts of physical pain, and with simply making sure that if I laugh or smile I cover my mouth with my hand.
As many of you also know, I am going through some rather serious changes both externally and internally. The most important and wonderful of these is finally realizing that it is ok to just be who I am. People will like me or not, they will hurt me or not, they will love me or not, and it has nothing to do with how I look, so it is ok and safe for me to look the way *I* want to. On top of that, in the last few weeks (despite the man's neurotic freak out), I have had a lot of reasons to want to smile. I actually had a very beautiful smile at one time, and in a way, like my weight, I have used the lack of care of it as a way to keep people away from me.
I am not doing this for him, or you, or anyone for that matter, other than me. He just helped me see that it really is ok to be me.
So, the point of this nonsensical rambling is that: I called a dentist today that is also a cosmetic and sedation dentist, and a woman, and her office is less than 2 miles from my house. And, I have an appointment with her on April 20th to do x-rays and do a consultation so I can find out everything that needs to be done to my teeth, how long it will take, and how much it is going to cost (this is the part that makes me worry the most).
This year, I am going to be able to smile again, and not have it hurt physically and otherwise when I do.
In other news, I have let go (emotionally) of a lot of things at Dragon*Con and ACE. It has been easier than I thought it would be. This is in no small part due to actually, for the first time in my life, being so happy on a regular basis, that I am fairly certain my water is being drugged. :)
The real reason for the euphoria is the most spectacular and terrifying gift I have ever received... and whether it comes to fruition or not, it will have absolutely been worth every precious moment I have had.
A person, male or female, who is so deeply enthralled with technology they discuss it with a level of passion that most people reserve for sex. Not always a geek or a nerd, but generally someone who has the latest and greatest everything.
Maybe they should put my picture beside it?
Time: Exact Time TBA (sometime after 8 PM)
Movie: Frank Miller's 300
I have been waiting what feels like a lifetime for this movie to come out! Everything about it is so visually exotic and enticing to me! I can hardly wait!
As soon as Movies.com, or Fandango.com decides to let me know the times and theaters I will post an update.
Hope to see you all there!
AMC Barrett Commons 24
2600 Cobb Place Ln. NW
Kennesaw, GA 30144
TONIGHT at 10:30 PM
I may be hitting the Diner afterwards, but it will depend on how tired I am after the flick.
I will probably be going again Sunday for those of you that can't make it tonight.
Hope to see you there!
Sunday, I drove to my parents' house for Christmas, where they promptly gave me food poisoning.
After spending several days unable to get out of bed, I am finally back at home. Although I am mostly recovered, I am still having moments of unexpected queasiness and sudden bouts of weakness/sleepiness.
If I was suppose to see you this weekend, please accept my most sincere apologies as I am going to be staying in my bed until after the new year.
Hope everyone else had a wonderful time and you have a joyous new year!
I will be posting about Biltmore in a couple of days, along with pictures. :)
Unfortunately, it was very cold, and despite my attempts to stay warm, I have a wee bit of a cold, so it should make my holiday with the family... interesting.
Oh, and as an fyi, I ate lunch at Ted's yesterday, and for the record, buffalo tastes good (just like steaks tastes good), but let me assure you my body didn't think so. Buffalo 1; Dire Epiphany 0
astralfire and I spoke at length, again, today. And while it shouldn't be much of a surprise to anyone, we have decided to go our separate ways. We still have to work out all the financial details, timelines, Dragon*Con, and such, but it if things go the way I think, he will be moving out and we will be getting divorced around the first of the year.
I truly believe that with the expectations that go with being someone's husband or wife removed from us, we will not only like each other, but ourselves more.
Otherwise, I don't think I could do this.
As an FYI, my cell phone is temporarily offline, so call me at home, or email me at email@example.com if you want to reach me. Also, I am going to be at the Biltmore Estates on the 18th and 19th, so don't worry if you don't hear back from me until I return.
You are The Tower
Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.
The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.
The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.