Long Overdue Update
Apr. 4th, 2004 06:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cassy_gWell, it's taken me forever to get around to updating all of you, but here it is:
First, I went to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chalice66's baby shower/party last night. I had an absolutely fabulous time visiting with her, and people I both knew and didn't know. I was surprised at my lack of self-consciousness. Generally when I am in a crowd of people I don't know (and sometimes even ones I do know) I tend to constantly second guess myself and worry what everyone else is thinking. Of course, this is the first time I have been to a party of any kind (not counting Dragon*Con) in ... umm... well not being able to remember the last time can't be a good thing... oh wait, I remember, it was drcat and feygirl's house warming party. Anyway, I was completely comfortable and that was a refreshing change for me.
As usual, I was out until all hours. The time change not withstanding, I think I got home around 5:00 am. I completely shurked my Dragon*Con responsibilities and have not an ounce of regret for doing so.
I realized recently that my whole life has been becoming Dragon*Con. I work down at the office 2 days a week as it is (which is about a 2 hour commute each way). And now, I have to go down a third day a week for scheduling meetings. I have been taking on more and more responsibilities, giving up more and more of my free time, and almost, almost lost myself and what I need to do for me in all of it.
I have been keeping rather mysterious over these goals and needs for several reasons. I think the main reason is, I grew up my whole life hearing that I "can't" do things that were important to me. To say it ruled the first 30 years of my life is probably an understatement. I know what I want to do, and I know how to do it - I know it's going to be a challenge given many (mostly financial) reasons, but I do not want to hear I can't do it.
The next reason is that even though I know I want and need to do this, I don't want to disappoint anyone should I fail. Many of my friends have seen me throw myself full force into something only to get cold feet and stop before it was done. I think this stems from my perfectionist personality. After all, something can't be flawed if it's not finished, and it remains a perpetual work in progress. With not wanting them to see me fail, I also don't want to see the "Oh, she's in a manic phase again" look that I grew up with. Not that I don't trust my friends not to do that, it's a fear, and like all fears, it's unrational, yet deep seeded.
Lastly, I have a basic distrust of people (not my friends of course, or they wouldn't be my friends), but distrust breeds fear. Someone asked me once, if I could have anything, any wish at all, what would it be, and I told them to live my life without fear. It has always been my bane. Unfortunately (or maybe it is very fortunate) for me, I can not do this alone, so I have to get past the fear if I am going to get the help I need.
I have already started speaking to a few people, limited information here and there, testing the waters so to speak. Now I am ready to dive head first into the deep end.
For those of you that don't know, I read a short poem about 7 years ago now, written by Daniel based loosely off an old Japanese myth. The poem alone was stirring enough to make me cry, but reading it I could see a movie playing in my head. I knew then I had to make it into a film. I started a journal type black book to write notes to myself (a book which at present is missing), as ideas and thoughts came to me. I didn't have the self confidence or strength of character to actually attempt to make it back then. And as often happens, life started to get in my way. Daniel got sick, and eventually died, and I spent years after that in a haze which I only recently awoke from. When I awoke, that spark of inspiration that is this film, started to flicker again, and has slowly become an insistent flame in the back of my head.
Now, I realize I have to make it. I have no budget, no crew, nothing but this film that keeps playing in my head. I have started to put out feelers, looking for people that can help me make this idea reality. Things are looking promising. I have meet some people that seem to not only be able to help, but actually want to help me as well.
Working Title: Swan Song
Format: B&W 70mm Panavision Cameras and Lenses (desired); B&W Digital (probable)
Setting: 18th Century Japan
Plot/Summary: Masao has spent his life caring for the frail, the sick, and the dying, in the form of seemingly healthy swans, but it has left him angry, distrustful, and ultimately alone. Unable to turn his back on these dying swans, but unwilling to open his heart beyond them, when Mayumi fist appears near his isolated farmhouse, he pushes her away and rejects her attempts to connect with him. Eventually the day comes that he can no longer force her away from him, but when illness begins to set in, will he shut down completely or find peace within himself and learn the true meaning of life?
Fantasy Cast (obviously, I will never get these two): Takeshi Kaneshiro (Masao) & Ryoko Hirosue (Mayumi)
Originally, I thought I wanted to do this film as an animated film. As time has gone on, I realized that was me trying to impart my own desires to make animated films into a film that needs to be live action and in B&W.
This film is almost completely dialogless, and although it might seem pretentious, I want what little dialog there is to be in Japanese. Japanese has a quiet undertone, a discipline in every word, it's soft, subtle and an understated beauty that English simply lacks. This means that once I finish the dialog I will need to find a gifted bi-lingual person, preferrably someone who's native language is Japanese. It also means that the two actors I ultimately hire will have to be fluent and also preferrably native speakers of Japanese.
Obviously, the need of a translator for the script and the actors speaking Japanese are minor challenges to the overall completion of this movie. The sets are higher up the scale of challenges. Most of the scenes take place secluded in the woods of Japan, near Masao's modest, 18th century Japanese farmhouse, with the remainder of the scenes being filmed inside the farmhouse itself. Since getting the permits to actually film in Japan are going to be impossible to acquire, I will have to simulate this feeling as best as I can somewhere here in Georgia. I hear there's a bamboo farm somewhere here in Georgia that grows the bamboo they feed the asian panda's in Zoo Atlanta with, but I am still looking for just the right location.
The most daunting challenge before me however, isn't actors, sets, music, even equiptment, but money. Even though I should be able to make this movie on a minimal budget (hopefully under $25k), I currently have a budget of absolutely nothing, which is why I have been looking into getting a grant of some sort to help me.walkingbear has provided me with a ton of sources, although even with a background in accounting, they are a bit overwhelming.
Still, I believe I will persevere - I will somehow find the strength to wade thru all the details and get this done. I can't explain how I know I will, it is just something I know, something I accept as fact.
So, to my friends, know that I do care about you and your lives, I worry about you and your happiness, even if I am not always right there saying so.
I'm not hiding away this time, secluding myself like some monk, I am busy working towards the place I have always known I was meant to go.
First, I went to
chalice66's baby shower/party last night. I had an absolutely fabulous time visiting with her, and people I both knew and didn't know. I was surprised at my lack of self-consciousness. Generally when I am in a crowd of people I don't know (and sometimes even ones I do know) I tend to constantly second guess myself and worry what everyone else is thinking. Of course, this is the first time I have been to a party of any kind (not counting Dragon*Con) in ... umm... well not being able to remember the last time can't be a good thing... oh wait, I remember, it was drcat and feygirl's house warming party. Anyway, I was completely comfortable and that was a refreshing change for me.As usual, I was out until all hours. The time change not withstanding, I think I got home around 5:00 am. I completely shurked my Dragon*Con responsibilities and have not an ounce of regret for doing so.
I realized recently that my whole life has been becoming Dragon*Con. I work down at the office 2 days a week as it is (which is about a 2 hour commute each way). And now, I have to go down a third day a week for scheduling meetings. I have been taking on more and more responsibilities, giving up more and more of my free time, and almost, almost lost myself and what I need to do for me in all of it.
I have been keeping rather mysterious over these goals and needs for several reasons. I think the main reason is, I grew up my whole life hearing that I "can't" do things that were important to me. To say it ruled the first 30 years of my life is probably an understatement. I know what I want to do, and I know how to do it - I know it's going to be a challenge given many (mostly financial) reasons, but I do not want to hear I can't do it.
The next reason is that even though I know I want and need to do this, I don't want to disappoint anyone should I fail. Many of my friends have seen me throw myself full force into something only to get cold feet and stop before it was done. I think this stems from my perfectionist personality. After all, something can't be flawed if it's not finished, and it remains a perpetual work in progress. With not wanting them to see me fail, I also don't want to see the "Oh, she's in a manic phase again" look that I grew up with. Not that I don't trust my friends not to do that, it's a fear, and like all fears, it's unrational, yet deep seeded.
Lastly, I have a basic distrust of people (not my friends of course, or they wouldn't be my friends), but distrust breeds fear. Someone asked me once, if I could have anything, any wish at all, what would it be, and I told them to live my life without fear. It has always been my bane. Unfortunately (or maybe it is very fortunate) for me, I can not do this alone, so I have to get past the fear if I am going to get the help I need.
I have already started speaking to a few people, limited information here and there, testing the waters so to speak. Now I am ready to dive head first into the deep end.
For those of you that don't know, I read a short poem about 7 years ago now, written by Daniel based loosely off an old Japanese myth. The poem alone was stirring enough to make me cry, but reading it I could see a movie playing in my head. I knew then I had to make it into a film. I started a journal type black book to write notes to myself (a book which at present is missing), as ideas and thoughts came to me. I didn't have the self confidence or strength of character to actually attempt to make it back then. And as often happens, life started to get in my way. Daniel got sick, and eventually died, and I spent years after that in a haze which I only recently awoke from. When I awoke, that spark of inspiration that is this film, started to flicker again, and has slowly become an insistent flame in the back of my head.
Now, I realize I have to make it. I have no budget, no crew, nothing but this film that keeps playing in my head. I have started to put out feelers, looking for people that can help me make this idea reality. Things are looking promising. I have meet some people that seem to not only be able to help, but actually want to help me as well.
Working Title: Swan Song
Format: B&W 70mm Panavision Cameras and Lenses (desired); B&W Digital (probable)
Setting: 18th Century Japan
Plot/Summary: Masao has spent his life caring for the frail, the sick, and the dying, in the form of seemingly healthy swans, but it has left him angry, distrustful, and ultimately alone. Unable to turn his back on these dying swans, but unwilling to open his heart beyond them, when Mayumi fist appears near his isolated farmhouse, he pushes her away and rejects her attempts to connect with him. Eventually the day comes that he can no longer force her away from him, but when illness begins to set in, will he shut down completely or find peace within himself and learn the true meaning of life?
Fantasy Cast (obviously, I will never get these two): Takeshi Kaneshiro (Masao) & Ryoko Hirosue (Mayumi)
Originally, I thought I wanted to do this film as an animated film. As time has gone on, I realized that was me trying to impart my own desires to make animated films into a film that needs to be live action and in B&W.
This film is almost completely dialogless, and although it might seem pretentious, I want what little dialog there is to be in Japanese. Japanese has a quiet undertone, a discipline in every word, it's soft, subtle and an understated beauty that English simply lacks. This means that once I finish the dialog I will need to find a gifted bi-lingual person, preferrably someone who's native language is Japanese. It also means that the two actors I ultimately hire will have to be fluent and also preferrably native speakers of Japanese.
Obviously, the need of a translator for the script and the actors speaking Japanese are minor challenges to the overall completion of this movie. The sets are higher up the scale of challenges. Most of the scenes take place secluded in the woods of Japan, near Masao's modest, 18th century Japanese farmhouse, with the remainder of the scenes being filmed inside the farmhouse itself. Since getting the permits to actually film in Japan are going to be impossible to acquire, I will have to simulate this feeling as best as I can somewhere here in Georgia. I hear there's a bamboo farm somewhere here in Georgia that grows the bamboo they feed the asian panda's in Zoo Atlanta with, but I am still looking for just the right location.
The most daunting challenge before me however, isn't actors, sets, music, even equiptment, but money. Even though I should be able to make this movie on a minimal budget (hopefully under $25k), I currently have a budget of absolutely nothing, which is why I have been looking into getting a grant of some sort to help me.
walkingbear has provided me with a ton of sources, although even with a background in accounting, they are a bit overwhelming. Still, I believe I will persevere - I will somehow find the strength to wade thru all the details and get this done. I can't explain how I know I will, it is just something I know, something I accept as fact.
So, to my friends, know that I do care about you and your lives, I worry about you and your happiness, even if I am not always right there saying so.
I'm not hiding away this time, secluding myself like some monk, I am busy working towards the place I have always known I was meant to go.
