Update from Hell
May. 16th, 2004 11:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cassy_gThe husband has crawled out of his moping pity party and is speaking to me again. As he put it, he was never not speaking to me, he wasn't speaking to anyone at all. Well, in my humble opinion, if I am the only one around you can call it whatever you want, you still weren't speaking to me.
Saturday's mail came and went, and of course, no check and no one at the office to call about it. They have until Monday's mail to get us the check, then I am pulling the kid gloves off.
My mother has gone from saying "well, you shouldn't have checks or anything else on autodraft, you are just asking for this sort of thing to happen to you" to "well, don't make yourself sick over it, you know I will do whatever I can to make sure everything is ok until this all gets sorted out". I guess it took a week for her to go from blaming me to wanting to help. That or talking to me on the phone Friday scared her - I am not sure which. So far, I am refusing any money from her, she and Dad have already been there for me, they took out a loan for me to pay off some people into one lower interest account a while back, and they floated my payment last month, this month and next month. Plus Mom just retired and she hasn't started getting her retirement checks (although they have a very large savings account, this isn't the point). So, if I can manage, I am going to keep doing so.
I am still sick, but not with any bug, it's just the reaction of my body to high stress. It's always been this way, even when I was small. I take my personal responsibilities very seriously, even things as little as paying a bill on time. With serious responsibility comes very serious guilt when I can not meet my commitments - even if the reason was out of my control.
Ultimately, that's what all this boils down to - me not having control. Nothing will send me closer to the looney bin faster or easier than taking away my control.
I have a prescription for Xanax to help when I have panic attacks and such - it was easy not to take it on Friday because I can't drive when I do. Yesterday was harder, and today is harder still. I guess a part of me wants to get thru this without the meds. I haven't taken them in a really long time, and a part of me sees the need for them (in myself only) as a weakness, and being out of control even more.
I've been trying to stay productive with other things, so it hopefully will keep the panic away. So, please understand I am not intentionally ignoring anyone, I am just trying to keep busy with small things I feel I can accomplish.
Thanks to all of you that have been so supportive and helpful during this difficult time, it's meant more to me than I could ever say.
Saturday's mail came and went, and of course, no check and no one at the office to call about it. They have until Monday's mail to get us the check, then I am pulling the kid gloves off.
My mother has gone from saying "well, you shouldn't have checks or anything else on autodraft, you are just asking for this sort of thing to happen to you" to "well, don't make yourself sick over it, you know I will do whatever I can to make sure everything is ok until this all gets sorted out". I guess it took a week for her to go from blaming me to wanting to help. That or talking to me on the phone Friday scared her - I am not sure which. So far, I am refusing any money from her, she and Dad have already been there for me, they took out a loan for me to pay off some people into one lower interest account a while back, and they floated my payment last month, this month and next month. Plus Mom just retired and she hasn't started getting her retirement checks (although they have a very large savings account, this isn't the point). So, if I can manage, I am going to keep doing so.
I am still sick, but not with any bug, it's just the reaction of my body to high stress. It's always been this way, even when I was small. I take my personal responsibilities very seriously, even things as little as paying a bill on time. With serious responsibility comes very serious guilt when I can not meet my commitments - even if the reason was out of my control.
Ultimately, that's what all this boils down to - me not having control. Nothing will send me closer to the looney bin faster or easier than taking away my control.
I have a prescription for Xanax to help when I have panic attacks and such - it was easy not to take it on Friday because I can't drive when I do. Yesterday was harder, and today is harder still. I guess a part of me wants to get thru this without the meds. I haven't taken them in a really long time, and a part of me sees the need for them (in myself only) as a weakness, and being out of control even more.
I've been trying to stay productive with other things, so it hopefully will keep the panic away. So, please understand I am not intentionally ignoring anyone, I am just trying to keep busy with small things I feel I can accomplish.
Thanks to all of you that have been so supportive and helpful during this difficult time, it's meant more to me than I could ever say.
