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Seasonal Depression So Soon?
Sep. 24th, 2003 01:25 pmI didn't make it to Tai Chi on Monday night, and I didn't go out to Border Pagans last night either. I did go swimming yesterday, and I am planning to go to Tai Chi tonight.
I think my seasonal depression is hitting me early. I normally don't get this until the first week of November. I loathe the idea of being on meds during the winter, and for the last few years I have managed without them. However, there are things I want to do with my life, and I don't know if it's better to try to fight through the depression or drug myself through it.
I know it sounds silly, to say that I don't want to take drugs for an established medical problem I have. I mean, it sounds a bit like a person with diabetes saying they aren't going to take their insulin. But the fact is, to me, I think people should have ups and downs, we aren't made to be the same all the time. It just feels... wrong. I mean, it feels like a legalized way of being a drug addict. I mean, really how different is it? Some people take cocaine to get "up", and I take Wellbutrin, or Serzone, or Paxil, or whatever they want to try this year, what difference is there other than a doctor says it's ok for me to do it?
Don't get me wrong, I am not defending people taking cocaine, and I certainly don't think people should self-medicate... I am just saying for me, it feels like I am doing something wrong.
I think part of it stems from my short stay at Peachford Mental Hospital back in Sept. of 2000.
I had just found out that my significant other, Daniel's leukemia had come back after having had a bone marrow transplant that should have given him 5-10 years or even more, and they thought instead he had maybe 4-6 weeks to live. At the same time, my father had been told he was in desperate need of bypass surgery, but because he'd had untreated diabetes for many years his arteries were all too small for the surgery, meaning he would just have to try to hang in there with only 20% of his heart muscle functioning. There were many other things going on, but those are the two that pushed me over the edge. I don't suppose it comes as a great surprise that I was depressed, and it got me committed for a short time.
But here is where I found the conumdrum. The focus was that I should be happy, you know, and there were meds that could make me happy. Why, should I have been happy then? It's almost like our society has gotten to the point that anything outside a narrow parameter is broken and needs to be "fixed".
I am not saying people that have a chemical imbalance that caused their depression, or schitzophrenia, or whatever shouldn't take meds for it. Obviously, those are medical problems that need to be attended to, however, with me it's cause and effect and always has been.
I guess the point is, I am looking at my potential depression creeping up early, and I don't know yet which way to go with it.
I am hoping the endorphines from swimming and working out with Tai Chi will kick the depression back into line.
Maybe that's part of the problem. I am an adrenalin/endorphine junkie and my lifestyle the last few years has deprived me of my drug of choice. I'm just not sure it's a bad thing that I have stopped giving it to myself.
Ah, so many things to consider. But for now, I have to go eat something.
I think my seasonal depression is hitting me early. I normally don't get this until the first week of November. I loathe the idea of being on meds during the winter, and for the last few years I have managed without them. However, there are things I want to do with my life, and I don't know if it's better to try to fight through the depression or drug myself through it.
I know it sounds silly, to say that I don't want to take drugs for an established medical problem I have. I mean, it sounds a bit like a person with diabetes saying they aren't going to take their insulin. But the fact is, to me, I think people should have ups and downs, we aren't made to be the same all the time. It just feels... wrong. I mean, it feels like a legalized way of being a drug addict. I mean, really how different is it? Some people take cocaine to get "up", and I take Wellbutrin, or Serzone, or Paxil, or whatever they want to try this year, what difference is there other than a doctor says it's ok for me to do it?
Don't get me wrong, I am not defending people taking cocaine, and I certainly don't think people should self-medicate... I am just saying for me, it feels like I am doing something wrong.
I think part of it stems from my short stay at Peachford Mental Hospital back in Sept. of 2000.
I had just found out that my significant other, Daniel's leukemia had come back after having had a bone marrow transplant that should have given him 5-10 years or even more, and they thought instead he had maybe 4-6 weeks to live. At the same time, my father had been told he was in desperate need of bypass surgery, but because he'd had untreated diabetes for many years his arteries were all too small for the surgery, meaning he would just have to try to hang in there with only 20% of his heart muscle functioning. There were many other things going on, but those are the two that pushed me over the edge. I don't suppose it comes as a great surprise that I was depressed, and it got me committed for a short time.
But here is where I found the conumdrum. The focus was that I should be happy, you know, and there were meds that could make me happy. Why, should I have been happy then? It's almost like our society has gotten to the point that anything outside a narrow parameter is broken and needs to be "fixed".
I am not saying people that have a chemical imbalance that caused their depression, or schitzophrenia, or whatever shouldn't take meds for it. Obviously, those are medical problems that need to be attended to, however, with me it's cause and effect and always has been.
I guess the point is, I am looking at my potential depression creeping up early, and I don't know yet which way to go with it.
I am hoping the endorphines from swimming and working out with Tai Chi will kick the depression back into line.
Maybe that's part of the problem. I am an adrenalin/endorphine junkie and my lifestyle the last few years has deprived me of my drug of choice. I'm just not sure it's a bad thing that I have stopped giving it to myself.
Ah, so many things to consider. But for now, I have to go eat something.
