Seasonal Depression So Soon?
Sep. 24th, 2003 01:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cassy_gI didn't make it to Tai Chi on Monday night, and I didn't go out to Border Pagans last night either. I did go swimming yesterday, and I am planning to go to Tai Chi tonight.
I think my seasonal depression is hitting me early. I normally don't get this until the first week of November. I loathe the idea of being on meds during the winter, and for the last few years I have managed without them. However, there are things I want to do with my life, and I don't know if it's better to try to fight through the depression or drug myself through it.
I know it sounds silly, to say that I don't want to take drugs for an established medical problem I have. I mean, it sounds a bit like a person with diabetes saying they aren't going to take their insulin. But the fact is, to me, I think people should have ups and downs, we aren't made to be the same all the time. It just feels... wrong. I mean, it feels like a legalized way of being a drug addict. I mean, really how different is it? Some people take cocaine to get "up", and I take Wellbutrin, or Serzone, or Paxil, or whatever they want to try this year, what difference is there other than a doctor says it's ok for me to do it?
Don't get me wrong, I am not defending people taking cocaine, and I certainly don't think people should self-medicate... I am just saying for me, it feels like I am doing something wrong.
I think part of it stems from my short stay at Peachford Mental Hospital back in Sept. of 2000.
I had just found out that my significant other, Daniel's leukemia had come back after having had a bone marrow transplant that should have given him 5-10 years or even more, and they thought instead he had maybe 4-6 weeks to live. At the same time, my father had been told he was in desperate need of bypass surgery, but because he'd had untreated diabetes for many years his arteries were all too small for the surgery, meaning he would just have to try to hang in there with only 20% of his heart muscle functioning. There were many other things going on, but those are the two that pushed me over the edge. I don't suppose it comes as a great surprise that I was depressed, and it got me committed for a short time.
But here is where I found the conumdrum. The focus was that I should be happy, you know, and there were meds that could make me happy. Why, should I have been happy then? It's almost like our society has gotten to the point that anything outside a narrow parameter is broken and needs to be "fixed".
I am not saying people that have a chemical imbalance that caused their depression, or schitzophrenia, or whatever shouldn't take meds for it. Obviously, those are medical problems that need to be attended to, however, with me it's cause and effect and always has been.
I guess the point is, I am looking at my potential depression creeping up early, and I don't know yet which way to go with it.
I am hoping the endorphines from swimming and working out with Tai Chi will kick the depression back into line.
Maybe that's part of the problem. I am an adrenalin/endorphine junkie and my lifestyle the last few years has deprived me of my drug of choice. I'm just not sure it's a bad thing that I have stopped giving it to myself.
Ah, so many things to consider. But for now, I have to go eat something.
I think my seasonal depression is hitting me early. I normally don't get this until the first week of November. I loathe the idea of being on meds during the winter, and for the last few years I have managed without them. However, there are things I want to do with my life, and I don't know if it's better to try to fight through the depression or drug myself through it.
I know it sounds silly, to say that I don't want to take drugs for an established medical problem I have. I mean, it sounds a bit like a person with diabetes saying they aren't going to take their insulin. But the fact is, to me, I think people should have ups and downs, we aren't made to be the same all the time. It just feels... wrong. I mean, it feels like a legalized way of being a drug addict. I mean, really how different is it? Some people take cocaine to get "up", and I take Wellbutrin, or Serzone, or Paxil, or whatever they want to try this year, what difference is there other than a doctor says it's ok for me to do it?
Don't get me wrong, I am not defending people taking cocaine, and I certainly don't think people should self-medicate... I am just saying for me, it feels like I am doing something wrong.
I think part of it stems from my short stay at Peachford Mental Hospital back in Sept. of 2000.
I had just found out that my significant other, Daniel's leukemia had come back after having had a bone marrow transplant that should have given him 5-10 years or even more, and they thought instead he had maybe 4-6 weeks to live. At the same time, my father had been told he was in desperate need of bypass surgery, but because he'd had untreated diabetes for many years his arteries were all too small for the surgery, meaning he would just have to try to hang in there with only 20% of his heart muscle functioning. There were many other things going on, but those are the two that pushed me over the edge. I don't suppose it comes as a great surprise that I was depressed, and it got me committed for a short time.
But here is where I found the conumdrum. The focus was that I should be happy, you know, and there were meds that could make me happy. Why, should I have been happy then? It's almost like our society has gotten to the point that anything outside a narrow parameter is broken and needs to be "fixed".
I am not saying people that have a chemical imbalance that caused their depression, or schitzophrenia, or whatever shouldn't take meds for it. Obviously, those are medical problems that need to be attended to, however, with me it's cause and effect and always has been.
I guess the point is, I am looking at my potential depression creeping up early, and I don't know yet which way to go with it.
I am hoping the endorphines from swimming and working out with Tai Chi will kick the depression back into line.
Maybe that's part of the problem. I am an adrenalin/endorphine junkie and my lifestyle the last few years has deprived me of my drug of choice. I'm just not sure it's a bad thing that I have stopped giving it to myself.
Ah, so many things to consider. But for now, I have to go eat something.
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 05:50 pm (UTC)*snug*
I hope you feel better!
no subject
Date: 2003-09-25 10:02 am (UTC)I have to say it is a very friendly place, and everyone, students and instructors alike made me feel like I was welcome there from my first day.
*snuggles* Thanks, I am working on it.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 06:25 pm (UTC)I don't think there is anything wrong with going on medication for something you know is wrong. If you got the flu every year, would you think there is something wrong about getting a flu shot?
Actually, I just wrote a big long meandering post about this in my own LJ. You inspired me, kid. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-25 10:12 am (UTC)No, but as I said, that's a physical thing. Plus, I just feel... numb when I take that stuff. I mean, I do still take my Xanax on the occassion that I need it (I have panic attacks), so it isn't like I am completely opposed to taking meds.
I went to Tai Chi last night, and as predicted, I am feeling better. Tired and sore, but better.
I'm glad I inspired you... I think? :) I will go read it shortly.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 06:26 pm (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-25 10:17 am (UTC)I guess if it didn't burn me so fast I might spend more time out in it.... well, actually, probably not. Though as it gets cooler, I do plan on spending more time outside.
I am feeling better after Tai Chi last night, and I will be going swimming later this morning. I am hoping the excercising will help. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 07:01 pm (UTC)I'm actually serious. You could try getting a full spectrum lamp and see if that helps your deppression. And if you want to be thrifty, buy a lizard lamp, not one of the ones they advertise for SAD. The reptile lamps are the same as the ones in the SAD lamps, but they usually cost a lot less.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-25 10:18 am (UTC)What is it I need? Ultraviolet light? I just need to know what I am looking for in a lamp... since I am assuming you don't mean the reptile heat lamps...
no subject
Date: 2003-09-25 12:21 pm (UTC)http://www.noahspets.com/Merchant/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=ZOO-DB&Category_Code=H8-E&Product_Count=0
no subject
Date: 2003-09-25 09:29 pm (UTC)I am still trying to find out if I can just plug it into my lamp, or if I have to have a special lamp to put it in, and more importantly if it will sunburn me sitting under it too much. Still thanks very much for the help. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 07:58 am (UTC)Okay, last week I wasn't at Borders either (yes, I do occasionally *like twice a year* take a week off) so I didn't notice you weren't there, but I will miss you if you don't come back often. All assuming that it is something you enjoy. You want me to pester you about coming with me?
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 12:13 pm (UTC)I plan on going to Border Pagans tomorrow night, so I will hopefully see you there!