Overwhelmed...

So, after much thought, consideration, and meditation over the things that everyone said and my own personal feelings regarding my birth mother, J-, I decided I would indeed write to her. Calling felt too invasive, and was just really way too scary for me.

Writing this letter has proved to sound easier than it has become. I thought I would just write a quiet hello, see if she would at least be willing to answer some my more important questions (especially those regarding my health). Sad thing is, I can't even get past the first line. Dear J-, Dear Ms. C-, Hello, Hi, and so on and so on, it was a hard decision. I finally went with "Dear Ms. C-", I decided I am too deep in my Southern upbringing to address her any other way.

But now, I am really just ... I don't know what to say. I realize I don't know what I want to say, and I don't know how to say it. I rarely feel at such a profound loss of words, but here I am.

I don't know anything about her really, and I don't want to say anything that would cause her not to be able to have what I can only call plausible deniability. I mean, I feel it is likely that she's never told anyone about me, and if by some chance someone else were to read over her shoulder, or open her mail, I would like her to be able to play off the letter.

But, I don't want to lie either, I think that would be a horrible way to start off a potential relationship, even if it's only limited to occasional letters containing information - I want her to feel I am trustworthy.

Maybe there just isn't a good way to do this. I mean how can there ever be a good way to walk into someone's life after 34 years?