The Sleeper Awakens
Jan. 29th, 2004 08:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cassy_gSo... it's been a while since I sat down and decided to write anything. Honestly, the holidays and winter in general don't agree well with me, and even though it's still technically winter, I seem to be coming out of the blues a little early this year (not that I am complaining, they did kick in early after all!)
Alot has changed over the last couple of months. Back at Thanksgiving I found out that I have three full-blooded sisters, and that my biological mother is still alive, and my biological father is too. In fact, many of my biological relatives are living, though unfortunately some of them don't seem to be alive. I make this distinction because that's always been my one true fear, to be living but not alive, so it pains me to see that family members are in that situation.
One of my biological uncles wrote to me out of the blue. He's very funny, and sounds like a very decent human being, like someone that I wish I knew more, and I hope that I will someday. I need to write back to him.
I need to write to one of my sisters too. She's also seems to be a very decent person, and I do want to get to know her more. Of course, as should be expected, me with my questions was bringing undo stress and upset to her - I know how hard it can be to leave the past in the past, and nothing's worse than when it just blindsides you. I think that's been part of the reason for my distance, I don't want to be the cause of someone else hurting. She's told me most of what I felt I needed to know, everything else is just gravy, so I would rather take it slow, give her space when she needs it, and hopefully be friends with her someday.
I've not spoken to my biological mother since that first time, back at Thanksgiving, and honestly, I don't know that I will ever again. She seems like a pleasant enough person, but it was obvious that she had put me in her past and needs at least on some levels for me to stay there. That's ok too.
My biological father it turns out is a real gem of a person, and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. I know all stories have three sides, your side, my side and the truth, but when the facts are there in black and white it's hard not to hear the truth being screamed at you. I've spent my whole life trying to keep myself away from them, the true Monsters, the Freaks - and curiousity about who he was back when I was born isn't enough to send me walking into the lion's den.
My adoptive father continues to maintain, not improving, some days worse than others. I love him and I really don't want to lose him, but seeing him the way he is makes me wish for his peaceful release. I know it sounds cruel, in a society that pushes life at all costs, but to me when all the things you love, that make you enjoy taking your next breath have been taken away from you or are inaccessable to you because your mental or physical self can no longer handle them, what are you really living for? I'd rather know he was at peace than see him suffer is all.
It's funny, around the holidays, I walk around feeling like I am in a fog, I still speak and move, but everything feels ... I feel like an automaton. Then one day (usually in March), I wake up and wonder where I've been and what I've been doing for the last few months, and why it all feels like a blur, because at that moment I can see. That's the point that everything comes into focus, where I feel I have hope again, where I feel like I have a true grasp on the now and the why and the where and the who of myself.
Today, I woke up and I can't wait to be in motion again.
Alot has changed over the last couple of months. Back at Thanksgiving I found out that I have three full-blooded sisters, and that my biological mother is still alive, and my biological father is too. In fact, many of my biological relatives are living, though unfortunately some of them don't seem to be alive. I make this distinction because that's always been my one true fear, to be living but not alive, so it pains me to see that family members are in that situation.
One of my biological uncles wrote to me out of the blue. He's very funny, and sounds like a very decent human being, like someone that I wish I knew more, and I hope that I will someday. I need to write back to him.
I need to write to one of my sisters too. She's also seems to be a very decent person, and I do want to get to know her more. Of course, as should be expected, me with my questions was bringing undo stress and upset to her - I know how hard it can be to leave the past in the past, and nothing's worse than when it just blindsides you. I think that's been part of the reason for my distance, I don't want to be the cause of someone else hurting. She's told me most of what I felt I needed to know, everything else is just gravy, so I would rather take it slow, give her space when she needs it, and hopefully be friends with her someday.
I've not spoken to my biological mother since that first time, back at Thanksgiving, and honestly, I don't know that I will ever again. She seems like a pleasant enough person, but it was obvious that she had put me in her past and needs at least on some levels for me to stay there. That's ok too.
My biological father it turns out is a real gem of a person, and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. I know all stories have three sides, your side, my side and the truth, but when the facts are there in black and white it's hard not to hear the truth being screamed at you. I've spent my whole life trying to keep myself away from them, the true Monsters, the Freaks - and curiousity about who he was back when I was born isn't enough to send me walking into the lion's den.
My adoptive father continues to maintain, not improving, some days worse than others. I love him and I really don't want to lose him, but seeing him the way he is makes me wish for his peaceful release. I know it sounds cruel, in a society that pushes life at all costs, but to me when all the things you love, that make you enjoy taking your next breath have been taken away from you or are inaccessable to you because your mental or physical self can no longer handle them, what are you really living for? I'd rather know he was at peace than see him suffer is all.
It's funny, around the holidays, I walk around feeling like I am in a fog, I still speak and move, but everything feels ... I feel like an automaton. Then one day (usually in March), I wake up and wonder where I've been and what I've been doing for the last few months, and why it all feels like a blur, because at that moment I can see. That's the point that everything comes into focus, where I feel I have hope again, where I feel like I have a true grasp on the now and the why and the where and the who of myself.
Today, I woke up and I can't wait to be in motion again.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-01-30 11:31 pm (UTC)It's great that you are able to at least develop, albeit slowly, a relationship with some of your blood family.
It's also great that you are able to see and accept what your birth-mother needs.
You are a very level-headed person Cassy, good to see you posting again.
I will keep your adoptive father in my prayers. *hugs*
Re:
Date: 2004-02-01 03:32 am (UTC)Tell your wife I want to go see The Last Samurai again with you both soon, before it leaves the theaters and they make me wait a million years for the DVD, heh. :D
no subject
Date: 2004-02-04 03:03 am (UTC)I too am keeping your father in my prayers, and rest assured we will be here for you in any capacity that you need us. That's what friends are for.
Let's definitely plan a movie outing soon.