One that would be born, must first destroy their world...

I've been mulling some comments over for several weeks now, but I will refrain for a few more days. I would like them to be fully formed before I put them to words. For now, I will let Mr. Olbermann speak (below is a link to the video feed of the episode of Countdown that segansca was referring to):

Keith Olbermann's Countdown-Bush Owes Us An Apology

Edit: I forgot to mention, it sometimes has difficulty opening in Firefox. If you have a problem with it, copy/paste the link into Internet Explorer and it will load with no problem.

gossamyrrh told me about this site: Etsy where you can sell your art! :D Enjoy!

And Comcast/SpamCop decides that my ISP server is a spammer...

( Here is the bounce back message I receive... )

( And here is the nice letter I received from my ISP people - whom I love by the way... )

ARGH!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, it is affecting my webmail as well. I can receive, but I can't send back out. So, if you are on one of the sites that uses SpamCop, you won't be getting an email from me any time soon... damnit.

EDIT: Thanks to segansca, I now have gmail. Thank you, thank you, thank you! If you see an email from cassygordon@gmail.com, that's me. :D

As I am sure you all suspected, this last couple of weeks have been utterly hellish!

In the middle of working on the D*C program book, pocket program, the lithograph, the badges (1 and 4 day), the name plates for the awards, backstage passes, potty passes for Masq, Dawn and the new costuming contest, Dead Dog tickets, t-shirts, programming, assigning signings/readings to guests, a book (580 pages!) for Emory, ads and a website for a new convention, and who knows what else I am forgetting to list, I was asked by the company who prints D*C's badges and program book if I was busy...

Erm... yea. Talk to me in two weeks, then I will do all the jobs you want.

I am really excited to be getting so many new clients though! Besides Emory and the printing company, I have also been signed on by a new comics convention in Atlanta, AND Netherworld!! Starting after D*C all the Netherworld ads you see will be done by me! I really am completely thrilled to be working with them!

So, it looks like I just might be able to support myself as a freelance graphic designer after all. :)

In other news, I did in fact purchase my precious, shiny, wee little Sony UX Micro Computer! It has been such a wonderfully helpful thing! I was actually REMOTE PROOFING the program book for Dragon*Con in my car with it! It has also helped me get out of traffic jams, and around flooded streets, plus get my email where ever I am. It has really freed me from feeling that I have to be tied down to my regular laptop. Which I still love, and I love my desktop too, but the ultra portability of the UX has really allowed me to stay sane this year. Just knowing I can go out to have dinner and still check on anything important has been completely liberating. Plus, it's just super cool! Oh, and I have to say everywhere I have ever been, taking it out is like dropping raw meat into a hungry piranha tank! If you want to meet people, your UX will certainly draw some attention.

In any case, all the massive projects (the program book, pocket program, and Emory book) are all either being printed, or back to the client to be edited. I have plenty to do this weekend, but the weight of the world isn't on me like it has been for the last couple of weeks. And last night, I was able to go to bed at 11 PM, and then I slept for an entire eight hours - something I haven't done in probably a month! It was glorious!

Oh, and I was given a copy of that massive book I did over the summer for Emory. It really looks good, and I have to say, I had forgotten just how cool I think it is when I see something that I worked so hard on physically printed. I suppose it is why I do work so hard - I completely love seeing my work printed - is that conceited?

Now, off to breakfast!

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I have a million things to do, and even though I am working, I can tell you my heart isn't really in it.

Under a sea of papers, and there are more coming tomorrow via courier...

I did go to the gym today, I really had to or else I was going to literally snap. Even though going to they gym seriously helps, I made a doctor's appointment for next week to see if I can get my Xanax and Ambien scripts refilled. I have been on the verge of having serious panic attacks for the last week now, and even though I used less than 1/3 of the previous prescription bottle (and never had it refilled), just knowing that the Xanax was there IF I really lost it was a major relief.

Also, I can't sleep - yea, I know that's nothing new - but I REALLY can't sleep. I had gotten use to a good 4-6 hours of sleep, ok mostly four, but that is four more than I have been getting in the last month or so. Now, because I am so close to panicing all the time, when I lay down, no matter how sleepy I am, my brain won't stop, and if I do manage to fall asleep, a moth landing on a light post four blocks away could wake me up. And once I am up... I am UP. Pleh. I really didn't have a love for the Ambien, I only took 2 pills total. The first time was a whole pill, and 20+ hours later when I woke up, I was groggy, so the next two tries (and these were literally months apart), I used only half pills.

Both of my 'scripts expired around 6 years ago, which is why I have to see the doctor if I want them refilled. We'll see how it goes, and god only knows how much it is going to cost without insurance... it makes me twitchy to even think about it too much.

I am also PMSing... and one of my co-workers chose not to listen when I said, "I haven't slept in almost 48 hours - we do not want to have this conversation right now." We get along wonderfully, but he pushed a button when I was already in a crappy mood... it's all smoothed over now, but it was for a while just some extra stress.

I have been promised that Dragon*Con will be a completely different ball game for me next year - whatever that means - I do know that I will NOT be the Guest Selection Committee's secretary next year. That's been hard since I was working out a new process, but not that it's all hammered out, someone else can do it.

I don't know where it's all going though... and I don't know where I am ultimately going with everything. I don't know if I should go back to college, or even what I want to do with my life... I guess that's one of the reasons I am such a work-a-holic. You can't stop to ponder things when you have a million deadlines to make, right?

In any case, I have about 450 pages to edit for Emory, and gods only knows how many ads it has to be placed - there were two big (but light) boxes full of the ads... I haven't counted on the list yet, but it was alot. Having gotten more applications, I now have almost 250 more to enter into the database (despite having put in over200 in the last few days). The database is well over 1200 apps for the year and just me processing them. I sent out mass mailers for the first time last Friday, but before that I had been writing individual letters. I do kind of feel yuck about the mass emails, but then I am one person and there's not physically time to write a personal letter to everyone right now.

I had three meetings at Dragon*Con this week which sucked a HUGE amount of time between travelling back and forth and sitting in the meetings. They were good meetings, but still it is frustrating to me because I can't work in my car because if I try to write I get seriously car sick. Anyone out there know a solution for this? Would dramamine work? I also have the final staff meeting on Saturday. The other thing besides traffic time lost is the time I have to stop what I am working on to prepare for each meeting. I mean, of course, it has to be done, it just makes my days feel like absolutely nothing has been accomplished - which of course it IS, it just isn't what I feel it NEEDS to be.

I am going to be mailing out the list of panels to EVERY guest next week... this has never been done before. I am not sending days, times, or rooms, just the name of the panel, what the panel is about and who else is on the panel - I am doing this so that guests can tell me now if they are seriously upset over anything. Right now there are 250+ guests and another about 200 to go up soon (once I process all these bloody apps), so as if I am not getting email enough (over 125 a day right now), I think that's going to add to the madness.

And I am NOT trying to kill myself - but the guests REALLY need to know what panels they are doing BEFORE the show. The only reason it has never been done before is because I didn't have access to the contact information for the guests - with me doing the Guest Selection Committee meeting admin work, I have complete access to it - so that's one of the things I will be doing. And I will be doing in future years as I have been assured that even though I won't be the admin next year, I will have access to the information for Program Book/website bios, photos, and scheduling.

I am wearing ALOT of hats this year. I will be so glad when the 5th of September gets here, even though I will still have a few Emory projects to wrap up - it won't be anything like it is now, and come mid-October, I won't have ANY projects at all until January. I say that, but there are things I would LIKE to do at Dragon*Con - some things I see that are rough around the edges, that I should try to polish when I am not pulling my hair out. But there's another part of me that wants to just curl up and hibernate for two months.

All in all, I KNOW that this is a rough year simply because I am trying very hard to put new plans and proceedures into place, and that once I hammer them out, other people will be able to implement them. I even know that despite some people slipping thru the cracks it is because there is one of me, and not because the proceedures don't work. I also know that despite the few mistakes, the vast majority of guests are very happy to have someone contacting them, even if it is just me saying that we have their application, or even if it was declined. I think that in the past they haven't had anyone contact them EVER, so I suppose they are happy. And I have been trying to once a month post that months guests added to the website to the director's digest at the con with mini-bios... I guess that's helped, I really don't know.

I am seriously rambling... I guess I am just trying to tell myself that I will make it, that things are getting better, even if I can't see it right now.

Let me preface this story with saying that when I moved to my house, I was forced to give up Georgia Power and go to Cobb EMC, a company that I have forever loathed. They charge more per wattage, and they are just plain smarmy.

A few years ago, when the state decided to deregulate their gas service, I was given the option of Scana or nothing. Doesn't sound like much of a deregulation to me, but then again, I can't choose which electric company I have either. I was also informed that I would be getting a single bill with my Cobb EMC and Scana bills combined in one bill. Ok, fine, that DOES have its advantages, right? Write one payment and move along. However, the cost has always been insane as far as I am concerned. My combined gas/electric bill has averaged between $350-500/month which I think is ridiculous, we take showers (three combined, but sometimes we are every other day), we wash our clothes, and we wash our dishes. Most of the time we run fans in the summer, and use the fireplace (wood burning) in the winter, we turn off the lights in the rooms we aren't in, and we run four computers. My house isn't THAT big.

So, today, my son comes downstairs to inform me that there's no hot water. So I send astralfire down to check the pilot light on the water heater. Low and behold, we have no gas - at all. Considering I just paid my bill in full, I was like, WTF?

After a call to Cobb EMC, we are informed, for the first time mind you, that they decided to split Cobb EMC and Scana billing. So, why the fuck has my bill still been over $350 every month?

After calling Scana I get informed that they haven't been paid since February (which of course, is why they turned off my gas service), not that I have ever seen a bill from them. Then they tell me I owe them $750. For those of you not keeping score, that's $150/month for the last five months. And in case none of you noticed, it's SUMMER TIME. Ok, so let's just say I can somehow find $750 - guess what? It will be Thursday AT THE EARLIEST before they will reconnect me.

Could someone please tell me when the fuck the utility companies decided that they were no longer a service related industry?

And could someone PLEASE tell me why the fuck my bills are now $500/month for the last 5 months!?

I am so livid at this moment I could literally scream, if it weren't for Pirate goodness later, I swear I might be throwing things.

My weekend was utter chaos, filled with typesetting, picture editing, and of course, no sleep. The good news is: The Dragon*Con Progress Report is at the printer, and that monkey is now completely off my back. The bad news is: I completely missed a world event on WoW. Yea, I know, it's not like it is the end of the world or anything, but dang would I like to have been able to stop what I was doing and play!

In other game related news, PSP just had a new system update that will allow you to download playable demos of games. First, let me say, BRILLIANT! Second, there's only one game currently available (since it is a new feature), for one of the most bizarre games I have ever become instantly addicted to: LocoRoco. It's completely stupid, but I totally love it.

Oh and did I mention that in Japan, you can get tele on your PSP!?!? /cry Everything from Anime to News to World Sports... all from Portable TV. Shows run from 300 - 1000 yen, about $5-15 US (the more expensive ones are full series usually).

So, what all this did was make me decide that I need a nice list of PSP Games I want... anyone know a good game importer? Lots of hot games (mostly RPGs) are only available in Japan (and don't look like they are going to be translated), and unfortunately the guy that I use to get imports from went out of business about 3 years ago.

( And here's the list, which is mostly for me so I don't forget what games I am looking for :D, but if anyone sees any of these at a decent price (under $30 each, used are ok as long as the UMD is in one piece), please let me know: )

In speaking with evil_army_toy over the weekend, I realized that he was right about a few things, mainly that I tend towards masochism on such a deep level that since I haven't been engaging in my normal outlets for such things, I have substituted it with the self-flagellation of working too hard and under severe deadlines. I use the excuse that I need the money, and therefor the work, but the truth is, I would do this even if I had enough money.

Because I am a person of my word, I do not feel that I can give up any of the projects (volunteer or otherwise) that I have already made a commitment to doing. However, that being said, come September, I will be down to having three, maybe four (I really can't remember now) freelance projects that I will be doing, which all in all will not be much. So, I have decided that before I commit to doing any other projects I am going to take that down time to re-evaluate what is and isn't important to me, and figure out how to balance my work and personal life.

Yes, I know I always say I am going to "quit", but that's not what I am saying now. I am saying that before the Senior Director's Meeting in October, I really need to look at and re-evaluate my life.

But, for now, it's time to head to the gym!