Well, frell.

I went to bed at midnight in an attempt to catch up on my rest and settle my nerves so I will be a nice human being again. I didn't manage to get more than about 3 hours of sleep on Saturday, and I was really exhausted by midnight last evening. Especially after the fall out over the schedules. But, once again, I woke up way too early, around 3:30 am.

This time I was startled awake by a bad dream that vanished from my thoughts the minute I woke up, but left me shaking, gasping for breath (yay, asthma), and a little nauseous. Ok, maybe a lot nauseous.

I seriously don't get why my anxiety level is so high. It's three weeks and three days before the convention. I have the track schedules finalized. I scanned the artwork for the backstage pass yesterday, so it's been started. I have people more than willing to help me edit the 150 page text file, once it's ready to be started that is, for the Pocket Program. I have an idea of what I want to draw for the Dead Dog Party tickets. The supplies have been ordered for Daily Dragon and Signage, and should arrive tomorrow or Tuesday. I got the new printer approved for Signage and it too should be here in the next week or so. I ordered the copier for Daily Dragon, and got the increased number of copies approved. All in all, I have alot done.

But, here I am, still shaking, with that lovely burning feeling in my stomach, and wide awake.

Maybe I am just afraid I am going to seriously screw up. I have alot riding on this year's convention. I was the one that started everything to bring the Tribe to Dragon*Con, and told the chairman how great and wonderful it was, that it has been a completely missed opportunity in the past. If I am wrong and no one comes for it, well, I am going to look like a complete idiot to alot of people. Plus, I am responsible for all of the scheduling. All of it. If anything goes wrong it is because I didn't do it right. At the convention, if a guest needs to rearrange their schedule, it's up to me to find a way to make that work. Lots of responsibilities, to alot of people. I take my responsibilities very seriously, and maybe too seriously.

The really weird thing is, I don't do this stuff so that people will say "good job" or tell me how great things worked out, or any of the things you would think I would put myself through all this for. I just do it out of a genuine love for our convention, and the desire to do something meaningful and worthwhile for it.

All I really want is for everything to run smoothly, fade into the background and leave people wondering how it went so well.

The List Gets Shorter

Check off one more thing on my long list, the Backstage Pass is done!

For obvious security reasons, I can't post the image yet, but I will after Dragon*Con is over. Most likely it will wind up on my main website somewhere. It didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, but then I was never overly thrilled with the sketch. I tried adding a second girl in the picture, but because of the odd shape, there just wasn't room. Oh well, it will work. It has some really strong black and white contrasts that will make it easy to see in the dark, which I think is really all the tech and security people care about.

Ever since people found out I do the art for the backstage passes, I have been getting a (small) following of people that come to me after the convention is over and want me to sign their passes for them. The first time it happened was so totally surreal to me. Actually, it still is surreal to me. And that's what I love about it. This will be year five, and it's still as awe inspiring to me when someone asks me for an autograph as it was the very first time it happened.

*quiet little "Yay, fifteen minutes of fame!"*